Final Fantasy Tactics sobnatwa, Episode II
by gurshu12
Summary: Final Fantasy Tactics Sort of but not all the way Advanced. The second part to the prelude


(You guessed it, I own nothing. Zip, nadda, no pie, no pennies, nothing. The giant Squaresoft monster ate it all. And then it grew, and grew, until it morphed together with the Enix monster. Just like Metal Gear Solid II, without the British accent.)  
  
Final Fantasy Tactics, Sort of but Not All The Way Advanced  
  
The Prelude, Part II  
  
The rain poured and the thunder rolled outside the shack...er, monastery, as the five chocobo warriors previously seen stood proudly yet igorantly against the wind. Agrias and two other female knights rushed outside the front door, stuffing burnt brownies in her pockets. She squinted down the path and noticed the five figures standing before her. Looking at the two knights beside her, she then immediately shouted, "Excuse me, er...guys, would you happen to be the enemy that stabbed my friend for no reason what so ever?"  
  
The lead knight looked around before responding, "Yeah...at least I think so."  
  
"Oh..." Agrias said, "And um...what's that on your chest there?"  
  
"A crest."  
  
"A crest eh?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"What kind of crest?"  
  
"The best crest in all the west."  
  
"A crest of the best from the west?" Agrias shouted questionably.  
  
"Indeed, it's the best crest in all the west from the Drunken Chocobo fest." shouted the lead knight. By now, all the other knights have gone off doing their own thing, one female knight treating her nails, and the Chemist making Jello out of series of items, and the like.  
  
"The best crest in all the west in a Drunken Chocobo fest was surely a fearful test."  
  
"Yeah, to earn the best crest in all the west from the Drunken Chocobo fest was a test of wit and zest...It's pretty."  
  
"Yeah," shouted an archer across the storm, "all crests of the Black Lion are really nice material, usually from the lands of-".  
  
Agrias suddenly cut him off, "The crest of the Black Lion!? What's wrong with Prince Goltana!? He's such an idiot! Does he want to start a war!?"  
  
The knight glared at her, "Knave! There's no point in resisting! Just give us the Princess, or that beautiful face of yours will be scarred forever!"  
  
"Beautiful face? The hell are you talking about? You can't even see my face!"  
  
"...Er..."  
  
Agrias then started her little jig in a mocking tone, "Ooh, look at me! I'm the Mr. Big Bad Knight Guy that can see through the rain! I'm so COOL."  
  
"Shut up! Just SHUT UP!" the lead knight shouted.  
  
"Excuse me," one of the female knight said, tapping on Agrias' shoulder, "if you don't mind stopping you're little 2nd grade fit, our lives, not including thousands of years of knowledge in flammable books, are at stake."  
  
"Oh, fine!" Agrias muttered stamping her foot. All the soldiers then readied themselves for battle. Just then Gafgarion bursted out the front door, with Ramza and the squire tailing behind him, Ramza wearing mittens and a 'Kiss the Cook' apron, quickly stuffing it in his pockets. The squire looked at him and whispered, "how...how did you do that?"  
  
"It's pretty easy," Ramza whispered back, "you'd be surprised how many things I can find in my pants."  
  
Gafgarion all the while looked annoyed, but at the same time pleased. "Fool!" he shouted at the opposing knights, "Only idiots attack head on!"  
  
The idiot knights looked at one another, then glared at the Chemist as he stuffed the attack plan he made into his shirt, avoiding eye contact with the rest of the group. Agrias then stepped forward to Gafgarion's side giving him a concerned look, "Leave this to us!" she said desperately.  
  
Gafgarion gave her a glance, "We can't make money that way! Rad, Ramza! Follow me!!"  
  
With no reply, Gafgarion spun around and shouted, "I said, FOLLOW ME!-" quickly stopping himself as Ramza was demostrating on how to conceal 10 swords in one's pants.  
  
"What!" they both shouted.  
  
Gafgarion slowly shook his head and turned back towards the idiot knights. Suddenly everyone outside began walking in place, almost as if doing the Moon Walk. "What the hell is going on?!" one archer shouted.  
  
"I unno," the lead idiot knight replied, "but this music is hella catchy."  
  
"I have a sudden sensation to kill all enemies...is this normal?" Ramza asked, looking at Gafgarion.  
  
"I guess so," Gafgarion replied.  
  
"Are you an enemy?"  
  
"...No."  
  
"Oh, okie dokie then."  
  
After everyone adjusted to their new subconscience moon walk Gafgarion took the upper hand. To inspire his troops, he chose the wisest, holiest, and sagely advice he had ever heard. "Kill them all! Don't leave any survivors!"   
  
Agrias, completely disgusted, yelled at him. "Nonsense! There's no need to kill them! That's just what Goltana wants us to do! Just let them go!"   
  
"No need?" the Chemist said. "We're about to kill you all without mercy, burn down a holy church, and steal all the Golden Grams from your cupboard. How can you say there's no need? What are you, high?"  
  
Everyone looked at Agrias as she silently stepped back, avoiding any eye contact what so ever.  
  
Gafgarion dashed forward to the edge of the walkway and stood there for a moment, eyeing the nearest archer. "Watch this..." he said to the other troops. A sudden look of deep concentration went into his face, when suddenly he shouted,  
  
"Blah blah bleepity evil bla, NIGHT SWORD!"  
  
Suddenly his sword appeared out of nowhere and he thrusted it toward the sky like a hyper little five year old. The area turned dark, and a giant red and golden eye appeared over the archer. "Ooh, pretty. Is this heaven?" the archer remarked.  
  
But it certainly was not, because before he knew it the archer was suddenly violated in 18 different ways through his hind quarters and beyond, just like in Oz. The pain shot through, and he looked above his head to see a pair of floating numbers (57 to be exact) fade into view.  
  
"AH!" he shouted, "GREY NUMBERS, BLARGH!" In which he fell over with a thud.  
  
"Woo hoo!" Gafgarion shouted as he watched the same exact numbers appear over his head, but a little bit altered. "Wee! Blue numbers!"  
  
Everyone sat with that pure dumb look you get when you see Snoop Dog appear as a guest on Seasme Street tm. Agrias snapping out of the dumb spell, also took the lead and looked at the Chemist. She too, got a look of concentration and shouted,  
  
"Blah blee not-so evil blah bleedity STASIS SWORD!!!"  
  
Meanwhile in the sky Ifrit and Shiva were playing a homely game of chess when a bird flew by and knocked over Ifrit's Castle piece. It zoomed down at extreme velocity, finally landing home on the top of the Chemist's head. The grey numbers appeared, another passed out idiot.  
  
"Damn," Ifrit muttered, "this is the 7th time this happened this week."  
  
"You know what's funny," Shiva said, pointing at the distant figure of Agrias, "is that she actually thinks she's doing something with her sword by shouting something."  
  
"Hey now, lets not spoil her fun," Ifrit said, creating another Castle piece.  
  
And so the battle wore on with flying grey numbers, and of course you have to admit, the heroes have to win, otherwise this story could not exist, right? Unless it's a sad story, like Old Yeller...poor dog...  
  
But the yellow dogs were avoided and all the idiot knights eventually fell down like the sack of flesh that they are. "Alright," Gafgarion said, "this causes for a celebration! Let's loot the Chemist corpse and see if there's anything edible in his pockets that can make us flat out drunk."  
  
Suddenly from beyond the church a sissy scream echoed through the air. There was a pause, and Simon appeared through a window. "Sorry! I just saw myself in a mirror. Damn, I'm ugly." All the troops quirked their eyebrows at him when yet another scream was heard, behind the church. A small voice could be heard shouting, "let go of me!"  
  
"Damn!" Agrias blurted as she dashed into the Church, forgetting to turn off the oven.  
  
"Should we help her?" Rad asked.  
  
"Nah," Ramza said, "I'm sure she already knows how to conceal stuff in her pants too."  
  
Meanwhile in dramatic situation-ville, a knight donned in gold armor with the Black Lion's crest as well bursted out of the back door on to the convient dock to the ocean, dragging along the screaming princess. "Come here! Be quiet!!" He muttered urgently to her.  
  
"Why should I listen to you?!" the princess yelled.  
  
"Well let's see, you're a defenseless girl, and I'm stronger, I look cooler, and I have a SWORD. Why would you NOT listen to me?"  
  
"Defenseless girl?!" the princess said in an angry tone, "for your information I-"  
  
"Think fast!" the knight shouted, as he punched her right in the gut before she had time to. She fell over, out cold. "What an annoying princess, can't even play a game of Punch n Hurl..."  
  
He picked her up over his shoulders and carried it to a waiting Chocobo at the end of the dock. He then gently placed her on it's back and climbed on the saddle thingamajig and began riding down the dock. Agrias suddenly dashed out the door and threw her hand shouting, "Wait!!"  
  
"Tough..." the knight said over his shoulder, "Don't blame us, blame yourself or God."  
  
"Hey I resent that," God muttered.  
  
"No, wait! I don't know how to turn off the oven!" she shouted.  
  
But it was too late, the knight already began to dash down the dock.  
  
I hope he's not doing what I think he's gonna do... the Chocobo thought. Doesn't he know I can't swi-  
  
The knight forced his Chocobo the jump wildly in the air and into the ocean water, instantly sinking. Agrias looked at the wooden blanks and kneeled down. "Oh God..."  
  
"What?" He asked.  
  
"...What?"  
  
"Nothing..."  
  
Meanwhile on the other side of not-so-dramatic ville, Rad and Gafgarion snickered as they began their drunk fest from their spoils, while Ramza saw the sinking figure in the ocean. "...Delita?? You're alive, Delita? But, why are you in Goltana's troops? Why...?"  
  
"Well..." a voice shouted from the figure, "I'll tell you if you'd like...I dunno, throw me a life savor or something?"  
  
"...Nah, I'd rather go into 5 hours of narrorating plot that leads up to this situation, completely destroying our present selves with our levels, skills, and items we are equipped with."  
  
"Oh okay then," the figure responded.  
  
The sky faded, and Ramza began what we all like to call:  
  
"The Story That Could've Been Explained in Five Minutes if not for Ramza's Habit of Making EVERY SINGLE DETAIL IMPORTANT."  
  
**Sidenote Time**  
  
As you all recall, yes it's been awhile since I updated. I decided to make this a new story only because I want people to see it, and well the first story kind of dwaddles behind the curtains now. For those questioning, no, I do not hate FFT, in fact it's a great game indeed. But you know, there's a humor side to every story. 


End file.
